


A fanfiction where the plot changes every four sentences

by Hitlertheduck



Category: Bruce Campbell - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Give me an award for my work already
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:40:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27092968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitlertheduck/pseuds/Hitlertheduck
Summary: Come on in dear reader, the water's fine





	A fanfiction where the plot changes every four sentences

I’m a huge Sonic the hedgehog fan much like everyone else. I like the newer games but I don’t mind playing the classics. I don’t think I’ve ever played glitch or hacked games before, though I don’t think I want to play any after the experience I had…

It started on a nice summer afternoon, I was playing Sonic Unleashed (I liked how you get to explore the towns in it) until I noticed, out of my peripheral vision, that the mailman had arrived and put something in my mailbox as usual and left. 

Suddenly, I looked at my watch and realized that I don’t have time to get the mail, the galaxy needs my help! I immediately ran outside to my backyard, hopped into my rocketship, and flew up into space. After a while, I saw that the planet Saturn was being invaded by purple crystal alien rock people! I landed my rocket and pulled out my ray gun to go and take on those alien bastards.

I then woke up in a hospital bed and realized that the entire thing had been a dream. 

“You’ve been in a coma for 2 years” said the doctor.

My family then came through the door and began weeping tears of joy at seeing me awake after all this time. 

“After all this time, you’re finally back, I don’t know what to say” said my mom with tears in her eyes. 

She didn’t get the chance because a time machine appeared out of thin air and crushed my family underneath its bulky exterior. 

George Washington then exited from the time machine and said “we gotta get back to the future to stop evil from taking over!”

He then grabbed my arm and pulled me into the time machine with him, afterwards to which we went back to the future.

We then arrived in the year 3000 and George Washington told me about how the earth had been invaded by evil pony people and how he needed my help to free his people.  
I then yelled “FUCK THAT SHIT”, punched him in the face and told him to go fuck himself because he was keeping me from achieving my true dream of becoming a ballet dancer!

I then went back to the past and signed up for the school of ballet in order to make my dreams come true. I trained every day and every night for ten whole years to become the best ballet dancer on planet earth. My body was practically a humanoid tornado with how good it had gotten.

Then I realized that ballet dancing is fucking gay and joined a cult instead.

We were worshipping the great god Bruce Campbell and it was all going great so far. We had brought in a small child with the intention of sacrificing him to our great and groovy god.

I then attached a chainsaw to where my left arm was and chainsawed the boy in half as the cult members danced around while blood rained down from the boy’s decapitated body and quenched our thirst. 

Then suddenly, Santa Claus then burst through the walls, vaporized all of the cult members with a pink candy cane beam and said to me “we have to save Christmas from being taken over by the evil lawyers from dimension x!” 

I then hopped into his slay and we flew over to the North Pole to beat up the lawyers. 

After a few minutes, we landed in the North Pole and Santa and I hopped out and we began beating up Lawyers with our super macho kung fu skills. 

After a few hours, we had successfully beat up all 184693748947 lawyers, but then all their dead bodies began to meld into one giant super lawyer the size of a planet and challenged us to one final duel!

I ran like Hell all the way back to my house and began to watch TV instead, because fuck that shit.

I turned on the TV to watch some Ninja turtles when suddenly a glitch static demon came out and said “you’re gonna die cuntface, and then I’m gonna kill everyone you hold near and dear.”

I didn’t know what to do until I remembered something that I had in my back pocket.

I then pulled out a can of old spice and sprayed myself with it in order to gain the powers of the great Terry Crews! I then grabbed the sun out of orbit and threw it at the demon, burning him to cinders in an instant. 

I then laid down on my couch and began to shred on my electric guitar, causing purple lighting to envelope the whole universe and turn everyone but me to ashes.

So anyways that’s the story of how Captain Crunch invented deodorant and why the sky is blue, now get out of here and quit being such a freeloader.


End file.
